2024

In many ways this year was no different than the others - revisited experiences, familiar trails traversed, lessons relearned, and mistakes not yet overcome. Can you have deja vu for a collective 365 days? I’ve been here before; over and over and over again. To put it simply, a year went by and on the surface it can seem as if I landed in the same exact place. 

But then I reflect, dissect, and scrutinize - What I can see now is that I’ve shed the layers that kept me in a loop. 

My default is pessimistic or perhaps a variation of autopilot - it’s in my nature to suppose I can’t get past things, to stay stuck, to be paused. So therefore I don’t get past things, I do stay stuck, and am paused. Muscle memory gets the best of me. Fear is a great motivator to do what feels safe, but robs you of your intuition and integrity.

Microshifts over the past 365 days have led me here. One centimeter towards optimism, towards change, towards authenticity. Over a span of one week you don’t see the ripples but when you zoom out to view 52 of them on the same plane - you see it, clearly. A train that was once going North ends up West with the slightest shift in the track. It’s the same for us isn’t it? We assume, or maybe I assumed, only momentous experiences propel us to change course. I know now it’s the subtle, on repeat, that can make true, lasting impact.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had ended up in the same place. What then? I hate the expression everything happens for a reason. How cheap, lazy even. And at the same time, I do believe every moment can be used for good, for better. I’ve written before that I think God is a patient God and gives us grace to stay stuck until the moment we are meant to move past it. Sometimes we need to marinate until we’re ready for the change to crystalize.

Things That Are Mostly Free That Make My Life Better

• Eating salad with a spoon

• Mascara free days

• Napkin as a plate

• TSA Pre Check

• Phone on speaker

• Sleeping naked

• Wearing a hat

• Listening to the Bible

• Choosing happiness

• Apple Pay

• Laser hair removal

• Drinking from the container

• Rewearing a dress to an event

• Sleeping on top of the duvet

• Assuming positive intent

• Having great friends

• Sending voice memos

• Sheet size towels

Almost?

6 hours

Each smirk and story slipped between my finger tips

As my grip tightened on the moment, the memory of what it was, but could not be, crystalized

And what it was, is nothing more than desire

Two people, opposite worlds

And maybe it was the right place and right time

But ironically, and still, encumbered by circumstance

Almost is still a no

I found God (again) in Agave

The plants limbs stretch out of the earth unruly and wild 

Almost unassuming, but its arms urge you to dig deeper, to experiment 

The Aztecs were a tinkering people, unsettled with the surface level they bend, tear, ferment, and manipulate until they pass Go  

There must be more was their compass

The sweet, silky nectar that oozed from a torn leaf was just the beginning 

With each peeled back layer, an element of God’s character was on display  

Its tough fibers pointed to His protection and provision when you used it as shelter from a storm or paper for a love letter

The antiseptic that lathered beneath the epidermis was a nod to a Healer  

Only a creative mind would think to embed a needle and thread within the succulent’s walls 

And you can’t neglect the mezcal, because I believe God loves a celebration 

Agave is the desert’s prototype for an infomercial, the original all-in-one 

If you consider a product, you must consider its creator - Generous, thoughtful, and trusting of His people to crack the code of this organic labyrinth 

Patient, too, while He watched as they almost unlocked a level to a new property day after day

I can sense the relief in discovering a new material or use case to fulfill a void they had their whole life - and it was right in front of them, waiting for the perfect moment to present itself 

I found God again in Agave not only because it caused me to think of Him, but because it so clearly showed me how much He thought of us 

Trees in Oregon

There was a grin on my face like white on rice as I weaved through the mountains of Southern Oregon. Leading up to the trip I knew nothing about the Rogue Valley, just the names of strangers I had to meet and convince to work with my company. A task I wouldn’t usually agree to, but given my recent circumstances being out of my comfort zone felt like the perfect place to be. The sudden lure of embarking into the unknown after making a major life decision has got to be the 8th world wonder. I knew of Portland and Northern Oregon, but the south never crossed my mind. Nevertheless, I willingly obliged. I felt in the most literal of ways that I had nothing to lose.

The temperate forest that greeted me felt like a warm cup of coffee on cool hands. Akin to a natural antidepressant. Words cannot grasp all it was to me. The transition from cool to warm tones on the leaves had my jaw well aquatinted with the floor. Just as the sun rises and sets, the leaves also follow a schedule. They do as their told by the routines sent in motion by the creator of the universe and I for one have never seen God more at work than on this trip.

Have you ever felt overstimulated in a place meant to bring comfort? For me it’s during worship at church or walking into a book store. Southern Oregon came close. I don’t know what that feeling is but I thinks where hope, assurance, novelty, and anticipation intersect. It doesn’t quite make sense and I know it’s not supposed to.

They say when you travel you gain perspective, this is true. On this trip I gained more. I now understand the saying don’t miss the forest for the trees. A single spruce tree is magic, but a mountain of perfectly lined spruce trees is spiritual. A thicket of maple trees changing into their fall wardrobe is cause for pause, even if it means stopping on the side of a trafficked highway to take it in.

You would think I’d be itching to move to Oregon. I’m not. For as much as I love it, and I really do, I don’t know that it’s effect on me would be the same if saturated in it. It’s like drinking coffee everyday, do you even notice it’s benefit or do you only notice that you need it when you don’t have it? I want to feel mesmerized, not feel the void. The jarring contrast of the Florida flat swampland to an Autumnal oasis alters my brain chemistry. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would take the trees for granted, and albeit a small risk, it’s not a risk I’m willing to take. The trees are not in a hurry and they have no plans other than to be revered. They will wait for me.

Seven days in Oregon was just enough to move me and thankfully, far too brief to become immune. As soon as I arrived, I began to miss it. And as soon as I left, I looked forward to my return. The imprints of this trip left subtle indents on my heart through flashbacks - I relive moments of awe daily as I finally acknowledge the trees around me everywhere I go.

Skinny Love

Tears welled in my eyes as Skinny Love played loudly in the car before the sun rose

There was a time when the joy of discovering a new song was enough

I wonder when I lost that part of myself

I was a local at the neighborhood venue

My eardrums on the verge of blowing on a Tuesday evening, work early the next morning was an afterthought

Fear of exhaustion dictates my every step now

On most evenings these days I count back the hours from when I need to wake up to know when my head should hit the pillow

These changes are welcomed, but even still I’m nostalgic for parts of my past life

Adrenaline and spontaneity used to be the motive, they’ve unwittingly been traded in for monotony dressed up as discipline

Novelty once the daily bread is now a rare treasure

As I mourn I hear a whisper, “That was the point, no?”

Memories as keepsakes for moments like this

To appreciate what once was, who I once was

As a tear fell I knew she was still with me

“Hope”

My view on hope, outside of the spiritual context, has shifted recently. Specifically the consequences of what happens when you put hope in humanity. Or a dream, a goal, a delusion. 

It becomes a thief of the most valuable nonrenewable resource. Our time. 

Hope steals seconds turned minutes that slip into years. It discreetly robs you of moments as you wait for something, or someone, to happen, even when there is no evidence in the intermission that you will arrive at your desired destination when the season concludes.  

Hope can be deceitful. It is a pause button with no guarantee you’ll hit play. 

Hope can sustain you as you hold on for a better tomorrow. But be mindful of patterns. One too many days becomes a lifetime. 

We spend so much of our lives hoping, wishing, thinking when we could be doing, creating, seeking, achieving.

Maybe the perfect formula is hope with action. Hope which fuels action. Maybe hope is the motivation, the nudge, we need to inch towards the end goal we long for. Do we even consider what we long for? What our hope is a placeholder for?

Maybe we realize along the way that the things, the people, we hoped for were actually just obstacles when we arrive at what was truly meant for us. 

Check Point

I got screamed at by border patrol today. HEY! It was obvious he meant to say it in all caps, bolded, and font size 72 as he ran towards my rental car. The vein popping out of his forehead was pulsing. Was he sweating because it was 102 degrees outside or because his temper ran hot? His spit pellets fall a centimeter short of my rolled down window.

Apparently you can’t pass through the stop signs at check point even when the first officer gives you the green light. You’ve been warned.

I confirm I am a U.S. citizen and I’m off. As I drive away I wonder if he’s a father. Do his girls run towards him with their arms up? “Daddy, daddy!”. Or do they slam their doors shut and hold their breath as his leather boots march up the stairs. I hope he leaves his work at the door.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fathers lately. The biological ones, figurative ones, the men who step in and step up. They come in all flavors.

I can’t recall being yelled at by my father or father figure. All I can clearly see now is that I was in second place. In all caps, bolded, and font size 72. Actually, I didn’t even get a participation ribbon. What’s worse? A volatile father or a selfish one? In a sense, they are one and the same. Disappointing and unpredictable.

It’s not as painful when you don’t know otherwise. If there was always a void, you don’t know what to miss.

I kept my distance, more emotional than proximal, from both paternal placeholders growing up. Father is what I call God. A word too heavy to ascribe to them. Why did I build a wall? Was it because somewhere in the depths of me I knew they couldn’t and wouldn’t fulfill the part? And perfection is not the point. Accountability and consistency headline the job description. Admission and reconciliation may be even more important. Because when they fall short, and they will, if there is not a disaster relief strategy, there is nothing.

I don’t what it’s like to experience a terrestrial father’s love, but I am acutely in tune with what it is not. It is not a decision born from convenience. It is not the egotistic choices you make when your world falls apart. It is not avoiding hard conversations. It is not letting others decide your life for you. It is not being a coward. It’s not choosing to do the wrong thing over and over and over. It is not forgoing every ounce of dignity in your body. It is not being a liar.

All I do know is love is not conditional.

I’m in a season of excavating my subconscious and learning to trust myself. Somewhere and sometime in recent history I became tolerable. Tolerable for the sake of being forgiving is one thing. Tolerable to where you begin to shave down your integrity is another. My habits prove I’m inclined to the latter.

Don’t deny the whispers of your knowing. I repeat this to myself with expectation the mantra and my actions will one day meld as they did once upon a time. When your heart sinks or your mouth goes dry it is not a coincidence. I can’t say with conviction that the presence of the fathers in my life inched me towards denying what I knew was right, but self-doubt slowly began to seduce me. Has there always been a steady decline in my intuition since the first time I tolerated the intolerable? The incongruence of a so-called parent can only cause confusion. Even those who raise you don’t learn from mistakes.

As I pick up pieces of a counterfeit reality that finally shattered I am ironically relieved. With clarity at the forefront I begin to create my own mosaic. The pieces jagged, but aligned to the inner knowing within me as I place them where they belonged all along. I begin to feel whole.

I look back in the rearview mirror until the check point tent becomes a speck of dust. I can’t see him any longer but his effect lingers with whispers as my heart pounds and my ears keep ringing. I have 47 minutes until I’m back at the hotel.

Easter 2024

Disclaimer: I began to write this back in April, then life got more life-y and here I am in late August wrapping it up. Despite the delay, I think this message is one we should consider 365 days a year. 

I briefly wrote about the Easter service I attended this year in one of my latest In Conclusion segment, but the depth of the message deserved more real estate on my site than the small corner it got there. Like I mentioned, Easter is a pastor’s Super Bowl. It’s the one Sunday a year you can almost guarantee every seat will be filled. Atheists and Christians on paper show up to take their annual picture showing off their floral garb for Instagram. If you’re offended, it’s probably because you’re convicted but relax, sarcasm is a way of expressing myself. And I am a recovering Christian on paper so I get it. 

So, like some, I go into Easter holding my breath. Praying for Jesus to move, but also bracing myself as the pastor delivers the most important sermon of the year, while expecting little. Why is it that I do that? Set the bar on the floor. If God is in the room, He is going to move, even if I don’t see it. And He was definitely in the room. Anyway, this Easter I had greater expectations as my pastor delivered a provoking message the year before. I was also remaining positive and hopeful since I was going to Easter with my boyfriend, his family, and my mom -  I obviously wanted the message to resonate. This sermon turned out to be a smack in in the face, and a brutally honest yet comforting wake up call. It was also a reminder for me to push myself to remain comfortable in the uncomfortable, especially when it comes to growing in my faith. 

When a message kicks off with one of the opening statements being we’re all going to die, you know it can only go up from there. Pastor Josiah did not shy away from the anxiety inducing topics on Sunday: death, doubt, and doctrine. It had a heavy apologetics overtone, and it’s what my heart needed to hear this year. 

We read the following excerpt on the resurrection: 1 Corinthians 15:3-8, 12-16, 17-23, 24-26, 40-42, 43-47, 48-49, 54-57

It’s a lot, but just read it. So good. 

We then dove right into the death and doubting of it all. 

As Josiah discussed death, some of the main themes were the following:

• You’re gonna die; It’s a reality that haunts us all

• Our society, particularly in the west and in America, downplays death

• Death is not natural, we were made to be eternal beings 

Samuel Johsnon was quoted, “No rational man can die without uneasy apprehension”, and I agree. While I am not afraid of death because of what I believe comes after death, I am not necessarily looking forward to it. It’s interesting, I know that life after death is so much better than the suffering we experience here on earth, but at the same time I don’t want to miss out on the slices of heaven we can experience here on earth; marriage, children, building a family, friendships, exploring the world. I think God gives us these experiences here as a foretaste of what is to come. In some ways I think we will have elements of the joys we experience on earth as we know it, but it will be made perfect and without sin. Sounds like a nice set up to me. 

As Pastor Josiah discussed doubting, comfort crept over me. This is something I have struggled with in the past, a lot. I can imagine every person with a pulse has also experienced the sensation of doubt. I personally hate it. In the context of the sermon we examined doubt as it relates to the resurrection (duh). A statement that stuck out to me through the message is that everyone who encountered the resurrected Jesus doubted it at first. Can you imagine seeing Jesus with your own eyes, after his death, in real life. I can understand why it was so hard to comprehend as resurrection by ones own account had never been done before. If the people who walked with Jesus for years and knew him doubted, imagine how much more we do to. At the same time, something I know I don’t do as much as I should is doubt those doubts. When Josiah said that my brain exploded. It’s something I’ve heard before but sometimes you just have to hear something twice. Doubt your doubts. We will doubt everything, BUT our doubts. Wow. 

This frame of thought has bled into other areas of my life, not just my faith. I never want to be in a place where I am a skeptic of everything, but it has made me wonder what do I believe, or not believe so easily? What I’ve gained from this is to be thoughtful, in all things. And ultimately to ask God for that guidance, because He promises that to us. 

I also think there is a point where we need to surrender. Maybe we don’t have all the concrete answers, but we can see specks of evidence in our lives of something more. To me, it’s a worthwhile gamble. 

There is the famous C.S. Lewis quote that says, “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance, the only thing it cannot be is moderately important?”

The resurrection is the reason there is a point to all of this. 

We may not feel it or see it everyday, but it does not make it any less real or any less worth it. 

I write this for myself as much as I write it for anyone else because I, like most people, go through peaks and valleys. For those moments when you’re in the trenches, consider this prayer:

Dear Lord, 

There is turmoil and unrest in my heart. I do my best to live my life according to your will and what you have in mind for my life. I know your way is better than my way and your love makes it all worth it. But still, I find myself questioning. I pray that these thoughts would not be in vain, but they would draw me closer to you. Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief. Forgive me when I fall short, restore my soul. Fill me with you when I don’t feel like seeking you and show me mercy. Holy Spirit, speak to me and help me feel your presence. I love you, Jesus. Thank you for the gift of your resurrection and the hope of new life. Amen. 

You can watch the full sermon here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc5ZwMC8otw

86

We’ve all heard it by now. Our parents, grandparents, they are all living life for the first time, too. As a society I think we have more tolerance for grandparents because they aren’t always in the weeds. They respect some sense of boundaries. But not Etna. You see my grandmother, Etna, is the matriarch, and I exclusively call her by her first name...or some offshoot of it. She has always loudly, and subtly, called the shots. In some ways it has ruined me. An absolute force of independence and strength raised me. It’s only predictable that I have followed in her stride. In some parts of my life I desire to be gentle and dainty, but it does not come natural to me. The mold I have been raised to shape shift into is strong, loud, and determined.

My grandmother raised four children on her own in Colombia. She was one of 11, so her own share was a piece of cake. In her day they had the proverbial village to help raise the offspring - today we have iPads. I think we have it easier. She raised her children in Colombia, and now they care for her in the United States. It’s interesting to observe someone so independent be so dependent on others. You can’t envision it until you experience it. Her essence is the woman who crosses taxi clad streets in Colombia dodging donkeys and motorcycles. Her reality is ruling the kitchen to her liking, while relying on others to take her to the grocery store. She modeled grit to her children, and now they use that skill to support their families and her. She reads the Bible every morning and says God bless you. She became a citizen a few years ago and knows more about Civics than I ever have.

My childhood memories are with her. My summers in Colombia, my summers in New York, sharing a room in my tiny apartment. The nights I had to rush to go to sleep first so I wouldn’t stay awake due to her snoring. As I grew older, our physical distance grew further, but the love we had for each other remained just as strong. With grandparents you almost always pick up where you left off, but it never has to be said as it does with long lost friendships. Today I must admit I don’t see her as much as I’d like. And I have the car so it’s of no fault but my own. When I do see her, I can’t help but cry and miss her so deeply even while she is 3 feet away.

I am so aware of the hourglass slurping our time away discreetly. It’s in the background, but with every memory and every day that passes I become more aware.

This morning she called me to tell me a riddle. And it dawned on me that might be the first and last time I get that treat. What else do I need to live out with her before it can only come to life in dreams?

2024: 7 Question to Change Your Life

May 24, 2024

• Do you know your personal values?

  • The OCD in me would like this to be a congruent list of five words, but I can’t help myself. Six it is. Today they are Connection, Humor, Faith, Inclusivity, Health, and Open Mindedness. I aim for these values to guide my life through the decisions, thoughts, and goals I create and act on. Ultimately they are the guidelines for how I aim to show up in the world. They are the colander by which I sift out the excess and the things that don’t serve me.

• Have you identified your personal mission?

  • Why are you on this earth?

  • What is your unique contribution to this world?

  • As recent as last year the answer to this question would be different than what it is today. In line with my values above I think I’m on this earth to build deep relationships, love others well, and share Jesus. I don’t know how to quantify achievement here in my day to day, but the goal is for it to make into my eulogy one day.

• Where are you heading right now?

  • If you were to change nothing, where would you end up in 5 years?

  • If you kept your daily habits as is, or keep investments where they are, what is your trajectory?

  • Are you content where you are?

  • An obviously difficult question, but perhaps the most important one to redirect the rudder. This is the catalyst. The motivation inducer.

    The drops in the proverbial bucket of our lives add up. Hitting multiple reps are what make you consistent. What am I consistent in? Do I do things every single day that contribute to my values of Connection, Humor, Faith, Inclusivity, Health, and Open Mindedness? Like many things in life it is a spectrum. I also don’t think I will ever be fully content, satisfied, or comfortable - I have an insatiable hunger to grow in some form or fashion. I may only achieve total rest once in Heaven, and I am ok with that. So, connection. This is an area where there are ebbs and flows. In this instance I feel connected in some relationships, distant in others, but it is a place where I am consistently working it out.

    There is no such thing as laughing too much, in my opinion.

    As far as inclusivity goes, I wonder how I can include others in unconventional ways. The default I think of is how to bring in people in a social setting, but it’s not sustainable. This is something I’ll continue to reflect on - it’s a place I can do a better job of nurturing.

    I think of health in a similar way to inclusivity. How can I invest in this area in ways that aren’t assumed. I workout and walk (essentially) every day. I am working on cleaning up my food intake and the types of nutrients I consume. I recently started going to therapy, too. I guess staying consistent in the habits I currently am taking on is enough.

    And for the cherry on top, open mindedness. Hmm. It is so important to me to be open minded, and yet, I find myself in patterns where I am doing the opposite. I’ve shared with some people that I can be critical - as an aside, I do want to explore when is it being critical, when is it having standards, and when is it possible to not criticize, but also not accept something or be obligated to keep it in within your life?

• Can you envision a better future?

  • Deeper relationships?

  • Better health?

  • More meaning in your spirituality?

  • Absolutely. And I hope others can too. I think you can be content where you are, and still desire to grow. The difference is always being grateful for where you currently are in your life. Anyway, like I shared in the question above - I want to continue to grow. I think I am at baseline where I am proud of the life I’m living, but there is always room for augmentation, in all areas. My priority right now is continuing to deepen my spiritual routines and relationship with Jesus, if I have that right, everything else follows.

• Are you connected to your deepest motivations?

  • The why of your life; intellectual and emotional

  • What is at stake if you don’t accomplish this? And what is possible?

  • This questions brings up the question of whether I am being authentic? Is the life I desire, in my mind, matching up to the life I am living. Do I have integrity? Am I virtuous? I believe I am, for the most part. But also have to be honest with myself - I am not where I want to be, therefore I must change direction in some aspects of my life. A shallow and half-lived life is at stake and it’s not one I desire to pursue.

• What are your key milestones?

  • How will you determine and achieve the answers to the questions above?

    • Connection - Invest 30 minutes in my deepest relationships each week asking hard questions, learning something new, rediscovering similarities and differences.

    • Humor - Listen and read lighthearted content throughout the week. I am drawn to dense and thought provoking material and I could trade it in for something playful now and then.

    • Faith - Daily consumption of the word and continuing to serve at church

    • Inclusivity - Need to continue thinking on this…

    • Health - Restore my metabolism, maintain consistency in my workouts, and continue in therapy for my mental health

    • Open Mindedness - Read and engage in conversation in topics that are contrary to my way of thinking

• What are the habits that will serve your vision?

  • Daily consistency and being obsessed with being 1% better

Intro: 7 Questions to Change Your Life

If you know me, you know I love podcasts. And not just any podcasts - episodes and series that push me to learn, explore my innermost thoughts, and make me 1% better. When I saw an episode titled “7 Questions to Change Your Life” by Focus on This a few weeks ago, I knew I had to listen. While I really don’t have the time to change my life right now…I couldn’t resist.

That said, I turn 29 tomorrow so what better time to reevaluate the trajectory of the last year of your twenties and beyond. It’s late as I type this so I won’t dive into the details, but I’ll leave you with the questions and subquestions. I’d like to use these questions as a yearly audit of sorts so I hope you’re ready to join alongside the evolution for years to come.

• Do you know your personal values?

• Have you identified your personal mission?

  • Why are you on this earth?

  • What is your unique contribution to this world?

• Where are you heading right now?

  • If you were to change nothing, where would you end up in 5 years?

  • If you kept your daily habits as is, or keep investments where they are, what is your trajectory?

  • Are you content where you are?

• Can you envision a better future?

  • Deeper relationships?

  • Better health?

  • More meaning in your spirituality?

• Are you connected to your deepest motivations?

  • The why of your life; intellectual and emotional

  • What is at stake if you don’t accomplish this? And what is possible?

• What are your key milestones?

  • How will you determine and achieve the answers to the questions above?

• What are the habits that will serve your vision?

Questions like these make my mind explode. So thought provoking that I don’t even know where to start, but I cannot wait to dive in.

Goodnight!

Adderall Pt. 4

In 2021 I opened up to my boyfriend that I was addicted Adderall. Addicted for the sake of my experience can be best compared to psychological dependence. It was the first time I ever told anyone that I had a problem. After that initial confession I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. While I continued to take it, I now knew that someone was going to hold me accountable and I wasn’t going to get away with my lies or manipulation the way I had before since now the whole truth was out.

We were long distance at the time so hiding it was a little easier. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. One night he asked me if I was still taking it. I lied, but then called him back right after to tell him I lied. Not that it makes it any better. While I may have lied to my mom in the past, lying to my boyfriend was absolutely off the table. I couldn’t risk my relationship or my character at the hands of this drug and knew the time was coming where I had to quit once and for all.

A frequent thought I would have was whether I would need to take Adderall to play with my kids one day. Since Adderall was my fuel for any basic task, it was evident that it would eventually be what would give me the energy to be there to keep up with my children. Adderall would be the means by which I would combat late nights, carry the car seat, go to doctor’s appointments, chase after them in the park, and so on. That future trip terrified me.

I want to mention that it’s not lost on me that the seemingly dramatic language could cause you to roll your eyes as you read this. And many of you may not relate, but I know that there are several people who have gone through and are going through the same imprisonment from taking this type of drug. In the same way I cannot understand the pain of childbirth, I don’t expect someone who hasn’t been all consumed by Adderall to understand. My reason for sharing is two-fold. There is liberation in sharing the vulnerable parts of my life that once were vaulted within me. I also, less selfishly, want to bring awareness that this is a very real and serious issue so many people face alone. I have googled far too many times the phrases “Adderall addiction, “Adderall dependency”, and “Weening off of Adderall”, only to be me with the same couple of articles. Though there were few, they made me feel less alien. Since I’ve sought out someone to speak about it in the past, I can now be someone to carry on the conversation.

Hurt

I’m not sure if my eyes started to water before or after I felt lightheaded. Or did the nausea come first? I can’t remember. And then I asked you a question, and you brush it off. How do you do that? Minimize the things that you know I care about. That I hurt about.

To say you care and to care are in different solar systems. Not much in life is black and white, this is.

So I ask you about it, and the response is a white lie. A way to get me off your back. Shut it down before it starts, so to speak. I am certain that hurts more than what I am asking about. The shameless brushing off of the topic - the dismissal, apathy even. The worst part is I oblige, I go along. Because what’s worst than being disregarded once, is being disregarded twice.

The Little Things (Are The Big Things)

It’s the door held open 

The smile and kiss every morning 

Reading the shared posts and the wordless knowing 

It’s taking the recommendation without questioning or hesitation

The intertwined embrace on the couch during a staycation 

It’s the sticky notes on the counter 

The playful, light hearted banter 

The patient and meaningful prayers at night

It’s an equally initiated hard conversation, instead of a fight 

It’s the unrushed and slow hug to feel seen

The coffee brought to bed, with just enough cream

The doing small gestures because you know it makes them happy

It’s biting your tongue when usually you’d be snappy

It’s saying what you mean, and meaning what you say 

And it’s sometimes letting them win, just for today 

It’s stepping off the pedestal and thinking of ourselves less

What I’m saying is these little things aren’t so little I guess  

Adderall Pt. 3

I moved to Washington, DC after I graduated college for an internship at the US House of Representatives. I had no idea what I was doing, and while I was pinching myself and so grateful for the opportunity, I was so freaking bored. My boredom has usually led me to two vices: snacking or Adderall. You can likely deduce my preference at this time of life due to the title of this piece. Now that I was in DC I knew I had to get creative in how to acquire it. It had been a few months since my last bottle, and while I was surviving, the itch was getting unbearable. Once I had it in my mind that the only solution to my inability to concentrate in my day to day was Adderall, I needed to have it. The memory is blurry, but somehow I got what I wanted. The Adderall supply was less consistent at this time and parts of me wanted to stop, but it was a never ending cycle of knowing I needed to stop and also feeling so, so deeply that I needed it. I would go a couple of months on and off, until I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist. The reason for this appointment was ironically instigated by mom after half of my face went numb for a few days. She of course thought I was having a stroke or a neurological emergency when in reality I had slept on the couch in a funny way after a night out. I’ll admit I wanted to triple check that everything was okay, but once the doctor mentioned he could be the one to fulfill my Adderall prescription locally in DC, my bad habit kicked into high gear. At this point people knew that I was taking Adderall, but no one knew the grip it had on me. I found myself being really mindful when I spoke about it and where I kept my pill bottle. Deep down I knew it was completely ruling my life again but I could always talk myself out of it. My internal dialogue at this time was always some sort of bargaining, “I’ll only take half of a 20mg in the morning, and none this afternoon”, or “This is going to be my last bottle”. I never held up my end of the deal. Even still, I would take breaks for a few weeks and somehow always survive so I knew it was possible to stop, someday.

People don’t talk about this drug enough and the way it can become engrained in every part of your life. I had to take Adderall to wake up, to work out, to work, to go to church, to do any basic life task, even to have fun. It is so sad, and so embarrasing, looking back on it. The first two half marathons I ever ran were fueled by bananas and Adderall. It is a miracle I never suffered a heart attack during this time in my life. Occasionally I would have health scares where my heart rate would sky rocket and I would take a day break.

My mom always knew what was up and would frequently question me about my Adderall use, too. Sometimes I would tell her I was taking it only when I needed it, other times I would straight out lie and say that I was barely using it, while I had my daily ritual of Adderall for breakfast. I remember one visit to Florida where my mom found the prescription bag in the trash. The disappointment, heartbreak, and fear that she encapsulated still makes my skin go cold. It’s terrifying to finally see clearly what a monster this drug made me and the years of my life that I allowed it to take up so much mental energy and time.

Adderall Pt. 2

Sophomore year of college came and I had, yet again, pivoted my career aspirations and decided to pursue a pre-med track. As I studied for chemistry I knew my brain on its own was not going to cut it. I needed back up support. Like any parent, my mother was never in favor of me taking drugs. But I knew all the right things to say and after a few conversations with my primary care doctor, I had my golden ticket. A prescription for 10mg of methamphetamines, commonly known as Adderall, to take two times per day. All it took was telling him I had tried it before and that it “really, really” helped. Little does he know his concession tormented my life for the foreseeable future. In one fell swoop he also prescribed me Prozac because I was feeling increasingly anxious. The ultimate paradox - an upper and a downer, all in a days work.

According to the Virginia Military Institute, “Adderall and Narcotics are Schedule II drugs under the Federal Drug Control Act. This is the same classification as cocaine, heroin, or meth. This also means that possessing any of these medications without a prescription is a felony.” Is it comical, pathetic, or depressing what you can justify in moments of desperation? I knew this information, but what I knew even more acutely was the euphoria I felt every time I took a pill. As I think back, the rush of excitement actually started as soon as I’d open the bottle with anticipation of what was to come.

I started off slow, taking it as prescribed, two times per day. I didn’t even take it on the weekends unless I was studying. As the months went on I started to notice I could easily intermittent fast if I took it in the morning and the effects would last longer if I didn’t dilute it with food, especially something acidic. Thanks to Google and Reddit I knew if my stomach PH was more alkaline it would maximize the impact and feeling it gave me, so I started to have Tums readily available.

If you know anything about drugs, you know you eventually require more of the dose to give you the same outcome it did when you first got hooked. A phenomenon known as building or developing drug tolerance. With the consistency that I eventually established in taking my 10mg, it was only a matter of time that I upgraded to a 20mg dose. In my mind I could justify the 20s because “I wasn’t going to take it all the time, and that means I wouldn’t need to get a prescription as often.” I can’t remember when that change happened, but it was the start of full blown addictive tendencies. This looked like cutting pills in halves and fourths, rationing them out, and making sure I had enough in the bottle to hold me over to the next refill. I would also take week long breaks sometimes to convince myself I didn’t have a problem. “If I was addicted, I wouldn’t be able to stop taking them for this long.” I had also been under the false assumption that once I graduated I would miraculously never crave or need to take Adderall again.

If anything, the real world makes you desire Adderall even more.

Adderall Pt. 1

Adderall robbed me of my freedom for eight years. I was in high school when I tried it for the first time. I remember murmurings from classmates of this drug that made them focused and, more importantly, suppressed their appetite. I distinctly recall in the 4th grade when I had to read a newspaper article about a science topic. I had to restart it no less than six times until it held my attention so I could read it through. In retrospect, it was just a boring article, of course it couldn’t hold my attention. That memory gave me the hall pass to ask a friend for a pill, just to study for my biology exam this one time as I clearly needed help in the science department. As finals rolled around I asked for more, from different people. Everyone was doing it. In high school I knew it was a temporary fix so I would quickly move on from the feeling of euphoria without needing another hit. I was still free.

Thanksgiving

Today you can be both

You can laugh with your offensive aunt

The Brussels sprouts can be burnt and perfectly seasoned

I can keep the good pieces from a long winded discussion about race and theology and leave the rest

Today is microcosm of our whole lives

There are high, highs and low, lows, peaks and valleys, anticipation and waiting, almost but not yet

Year after year I leave changed, stretched both in my stomach and my worldview

There is space for good and bad and in the in between we can lean into the discomfort which propels us to grow

Decisions

The people we are, how we see ourselves, how we show up in the world, to ourselves, to our friends, to our families, to God - it’s made up by the small decisions - whether we take our coffee black or with cream, do we speed up or slow down when the light turns yellow, do we write down our to do's when they come to mind unexpected or wait till later. The mundane matters, it’s where life happens and it’s what paves the way for big moments - the feature films when we playback all our years on this earth.

Life is but a breath. I want to make it count.

I want my choice to take a hot or cold shower to mean as much as a cross country move. Because we don’t know,

Either of those choices, may be the last we have privilege of making.