Adderall Pt. 4
In 2021 I opened up to my boyfriend that I was addicted Adderall. Addicted for the sake of my experience can be best compared to psychological dependence. It was the first time I ever told anyone that I had a problem. After that initial confession I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. While I continued to take it, I now knew that someone was going to hold me accountable and I wasn’t going to get away with my lies or manipulation the way I had before since now the whole truth was out.
We were long distance at the time so hiding it was a little easier. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. One night he asked me if I was still taking it. I lied, but then called him back right after to tell him I lied. Not that it makes it any better. While I may have lied to my mom in the past, lying to my boyfriend was absolutely off the table. I couldn’t risk my relationship or my character at the hands of this drug and knew the time was coming where I had to quit once and for all.
A frequent thought I would have was whether I would need to take Adderall to play with my kids one day. Since Adderall was my fuel for any basic task, it was evident that it would eventually be what would give me the energy to be there to keep up with my children. Adderall would be the means by which I would combat late nights, carry the car seat, go to doctor’s appointments, chase after them in the park, and so on. That future trip terrified me.
I want to mention that it’s not lost on me that the seemingly dramatic language could cause you to roll your eyes as you read this. And many of you may not relate, but I know that there are several people who have gone through and are going through the same imprisonment from taking this type of drug. In the same way I cannot understand the pain of childbirth, I don’t expect someone who hasn’t been all consumed by Adderall to understand. My reason for sharing is two-fold. There is liberation in sharing the vulnerable parts of my life that once were vaulted within me. I also, less selfishly, want to bring awareness that this is a very real and serious issue so many people face alone. I have googled far too many times the phrases “Adderall addiction, “Adderall dependency”, and “Weening off of Adderall”, only to be me with the same couple of articles. Though there were few, they made me feel less alien. Since I’ve sought out someone to speak about it in the past, I can now be someone to carry on the conversation.
