Adderall Pt. 3
I moved to Washington, DC after I graduated college for an internship at the US House of Representatives. I had no idea what I was doing, and while I was pinching myself and so grateful for the opportunity, I was so freaking bored. My boredom has usually led me to two vices: snacking or Adderall. You can likely deduce my preference at this time of life due to the title of this piece. Now that I was in DC I knew I had to get creative in how to acquire it. It had been a few months since my last bottle, and while I was surviving, the itch was getting unbearable. Once I had it in my mind that the only solution to my inability to concentrate in my day to day was Adderall, I needed to have it. The memory is blurry, but somehow I got what I wanted. The Adderall supply was less consistent at this time and parts of me wanted to stop, but it was a never ending cycle of knowing I needed to stop and also feeling so, so deeply that I needed it. I would go a couple of months on and off, until I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist. The reason for this appointment was ironically instigated by mom after half of my face went numb for a few days. She of course thought I was having a stroke or a neurological emergency when in reality I had slept on the couch in a funny way after a night out. I’ll admit I wanted to triple check that everything was okay, but once the doctor mentioned he could be the one to fulfill my Adderall prescription locally in DC, my bad habit kicked into high gear. At this point people knew that I was taking Adderall, but no one knew the grip it had on me. I found myself being really mindful when I spoke about it and where I kept my pill bottle. Deep down I knew it was completely ruling my life again but I could always talk myself out of it. My internal dialogue at this time was always some sort of bargaining, “I’ll only take half of a 20mg in the morning, and none this afternoon”, or “This is going to be my last bottle”. I never held up my end of the deal. Even still, I would take breaks for a few weeks and somehow always survive so I knew it was possible to stop, someday.
People don’t talk about this drug enough and the way it can become engrained in every part of your life. I had to take Adderall to wake up, to work out, to work, to go to church, to do any basic life task, even to have fun. It is so sad, and so embarrasing, looking back on it. The first two half marathons I ever ran were fueled by bananas and Adderall. It is a miracle I never suffered a heart attack during this time in my life. Occasionally I would have health scares where my heart rate would sky rocket and I would take a day break.
My mom always knew what was up and would frequently question me about my Adderall use, too. Sometimes I would tell her I was taking it only when I needed it, other times I would straight out lie and say that I was barely using it, while I had my daily ritual of Adderall for breakfast. I remember one visit to Florida where my mom found the prescription bag in the trash. The disappointment, heartbreak, and fear that she encapsulated still makes my skin go cold. It’s terrifying to finally see clearly what a monster this drug made me and the years of my life that I allowed it to take up so much mental energy and time.
